Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
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Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.