Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
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This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.