I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
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If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???