You Might Also Like
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song