Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
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I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
please stand back I’m about to make this worse