My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
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Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯