Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
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Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”