My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
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Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My inexpensive home security system…
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.