My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no