Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
You Might Also Like
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
The booster protects against what, now?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
huge if true: the moon
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working