My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
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Pringles
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists