I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
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By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.