Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
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*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.