Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
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Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
You’ll be OK
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.