When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
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Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Moms. The original autocorrect.