The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
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Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Cause of death: Zumba
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.