My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
You Might Also Like
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
same energy
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf