Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
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ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.