The Onion called it…again.
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My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.