Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
me, too, girl. me, too.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
This is what makes twitter great
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories