Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
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Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Sign of the day..
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you