Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
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What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I only eat vegetarians.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw