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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
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“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.