Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
*exercises sarcastically*