BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
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Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
My work here is done
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING