i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
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Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.