The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
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Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry