[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
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Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Vodka burrito was a success
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Hero horse inspires millions