You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
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one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
This week’s mood.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick