my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
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You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
the composer
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
podcasts
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.