If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
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We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.