[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
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Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
#Caturday
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor