Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
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Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Breaking news:
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
want me to check your oil?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.