Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
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Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong