me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
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*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”