Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
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If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
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To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.