Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
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He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”