Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
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How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.