Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
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[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.