ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
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How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping