Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
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G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Wise advice
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
channeling her this year
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I don’t make the rules sorry
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”