I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
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Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.