Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
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Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
What personal space?
My dog
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Gemma Correll
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
u guys got any snacks onboard here
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.