It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
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I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Eat…
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget