When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills