Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
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I thought this was funny lol
“you recording!?”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.