If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
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Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles