I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
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Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
(Gaming support cat.)
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?