I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
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ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
fixed it
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again