If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.